L.A.R.K.

A lady libertarian wrote a lot of letters to the government, complaining
about the treatment of a captive insurgents (terrorists) being held in
Afghanistan National Correctional System facilities. She received back
the following reply:

National Defence Headquarters
MGen George R. Pearkes Bldg, 15 NT
101 Colonel By Drive
Ottawa, ON K1A 0K2 Canada
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Dear Concerned Citizen,

Thank you for your recent letter expressing your profound concern of
treatment of the Taliban and Al Qaeda terrorists captured by Canadian
Forces who were subsequently transferred to the Afghanistan Government
and are currently being held by Afghan officials in Afghanistan
Correctional System facilities.

Our administration takes these matters seriously and your opinions were
heard loud and clear here in Ottawa. You will be pleased to learn,
thanks to the concerns of citizens like yourself; we are creating a new
department here at the Department of National Defense, to be called
"Liberals Accept Responsibility for Killers" program, or L.A.R.K. for
short.
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In accordance with the guidelines of this new program, we have decided
to divert one terrorist and place him in your personal care. Your
personal detainee has been selected and is scheduled for transportation
under heavily armed guard to your residence in Toronto next Monday. Ali
Mohammed Ahmed bin Mahmud (you can just call him Ahmed) is to be cared
for pursuant to the standards you personally demanded in your letter of complaint.
It will likely be necessary for you to hire some assistant caretakers. We will
conduct weekly inspections to ensure that your standards of care for
Ahmed are commensurate with those you so strongly recommend in your
letter.

Although Ahmed is a sociopath and extremely violent, we hope that your
sensitivity to what you described as his "attitudinal problem" will
help him overcome these character flaws. Perhaps you are correct in
describing these problems as mere cultural differences. We understand
that you plan to offer counseling and home schooling.

Your adopted terrorist is extremely proficient in hand-to-hand combat
and can extinguish human life with such simple items as a pencil or nail
clippers. We advise that you do not ask him to demonstrate these skills
at your next yoga group.He is also expert at making a wide variety of
explosive devices from common household products, so you may wish to
keep those items locked up, unless (in your opinion) this might offend
him.
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Ahmed will not wish to interact with you or your daughters (except
sexually) since he views females as a subhuman form of property. This
is a particularly sensitive subject for him and he has been known to
show violent tendencies around women who fail to comply with the new dress
code that he will recommend as more appropriate attire. I'm sure you
will come to enjoy the anonymity offered by the burka over time. Just remember that
it is all part of "respecting his culture and religious beliefs" as
described
in your letter.

Thanks again for your concern. We truly appreciate it when folks like
you keep us informed of the proper way to do our job and care for our
fellow man. You take good care of Ahmed and remember, we'll be
watching.

Good luck and God bless you.
Cordially,

Gordon O'Connor
Minister of National Defense