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Discussion Starter · #1 · (Edited)
Feel free to post your own but remember to keep it clean.



After spending 3-1/2 hours enduring the long lines, surly clerks and insane regulations at the department of motor vehicles, a lady stopped at a toy store to pick up a gift for her son. She brought her selection - a baseball bat to the cash register.
[FONT=Verdana, Arial, Helvetica, sans-serif]"Cash or charge," the clerk asked. [/FONT]
[FONT=Verdana, Arial, Helvetica, sans-serif][FONT=Verdana, Arial, Helvetica, sans-serif]"Cash," she snapped. Then apologizing for her rudeness, she explained, "I've spent the afternoon at the motor-vehicle bureau. I am not too sane right now!!" [FONT=Verdana, Arial, Helvetica, sans-serif]"Shall I gift wrap the bat?" the clerk asked sweetly, "Or are you going back?" [/FONT][/FONT][FONT=Verdana, Arial, Helvetica, sans-serif]
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Going back! LOL Thanks for the laugh!!!!
 

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Discussion Starter · #4 · (Edited)
[FONT=Verdana, Arial, Helvetica, sans-serif]How To Annoy Your Co-Workers...[/FONT]
[FONT=Verdana, Arial, Helvetica, sans-serif][FONT=Verdana, Arial, Helvetica, sans-serif]1) Page yourself over the intercom. Don't disguise your voice.
[FONT=Verdana, Arial, Helvetica, sans-serif][FONT=Verdana, Arial, Helvetica, sans-serif]2) Find out where your boss shops and buy exactly the [FONT=Verdana, Arial, Helvetica, sans-serif]same outfits. Wear them one day after your boss does. This [FONT=Verdana, Arial, Helvetica, sans-serif]is especially effective if your boss is a different gender than [FONT=Verdana, Arial, Helvetica, sans-serif]you.
[FONT=Verdana, Arial, Helvetica, sans-serif][FONT=Verdana, Arial, Helvetica, sans-serif]3) Make up nicknames for all your co-workers and refer to [FONT=Verdana, Arial, Helvetica, sans-serif]them only by these names. "That's a good point, Sparky." [FONT=Verdana, Arial, Helvetica, sans-serif]"No, I'm sorry, but I'm going to have to disagree with you [FONT=Verdana, Arial, Helvetica, sans-serif]there, Cha-cha."
[FONT=Verdana, Arial, Helvetica, sans-serif][FONT=Verdana, Arial, Helvetica, sans-serif]4) Send e-mail to the rest of the company telling them [FONT=Verdana, Arial, Helvetica, sans-serif]exactly what you're doing. For example: "If anyone needs [FONT=Verdana, Arial, Helvetica, sans-serif]me, I'll be in the bathroom."
[FONT=Verdana, Arial, Helvetica, sans-serif][FONT=Verdana, Arial, Helvetica, sans-serif]5) Hi-Lite your shoes. Tell people you haven't lost them as [FONT=Verdana, Arial, Helvetica, sans-serif]much since you did this.
[FONT=Verdana, Arial, Helvetica, sans-serif][FONT=Verdana, Arial, Helvetica, sans-serif]6) While sitting at your desk, soak your fingers in Palmolive. [FONT=Verdana, Arial, Helvetica, sans-serif]Call everyone Madge.
[FONT=Verdana, Arial, Helvetica, sans-serif][FONT=Verdana, Arial, Helvetica, sans-serif]7) Hang mosquito netting around your cubicle. When you [FONT=Verdana, Arial, Helvetica, sans-serif]emerge to get coffee, a printout, or whatever, slap yourself at [FONT=Verdana, Arial, Helvetica, sans-serif]random the whole way.
[FONT=Verdana, Arial, Helvetica, sans-serif][FONT=Verdana, Arial, Helvetica, sans-serif]8) Put a chair facing a printer. Sit there all day and tell [FONT=Verdana, Arial, Helvetica, sans-serif]people you're waiting for your document.
[FONT=Verdana, Arial, Helvetica, sans-serif][FONT=Verdana, Arial, Helvetica, sans-serif]9) Every time someone asks you to do something, anything, [FONT=Verdana, Arial, Helvetica, sans-serif]ask him or her if they want fries with that.
[FONT=Verdana, Arial, Helvetica, sans-serif][FONT=Verdana, Arial, Helvetica, sans-serif]10) Send e-mail back and forth to yourself, engaging [FONT=Verdana, Arial, Helvetica, sans-serif]yourself in an intellectual debate. Forward the mail to a [FONT=Verdana, Arial, Helvetica, sans-serif]co-worker and ask her to settle the disagreement.
[FONT=Verdana, Arial, Helvetica, sans-serif][FONT=Verdana, Arial, Helvetica, sans-serif]11) Encourage your colleagues to join you in a little [FONT=Verdana, Arial, Helvetica, sans-serif]synchronized chair-dancing.
[FONT=Verdana, Arial, Helvetica, sans-serif][FONT=Verdana, Arial, Helvetica, sans-serif]12) Put your trash can on your desk. Label it "IN".
[FONT=Verdana, Arial, Helvetica, sans-serif][FONT=Verdana, Arial, Helvetica, sans-serif]13) Develope an unnatural and hysterical fear of staplers.
[FONT=Verdana, Arial, Helvetica, sans-serif][FONT=Verdana, Arial, Helvetica, sans-serif]14) Send e-mail messages saying there's free pizza, [FONT=Verdana, Arial, Helvetica, sans-serif]donuts, or cake in the lunchroom. When people drift back to [FONT=Verdana, Arial, Helvetica, sans-serif]work complaining that they found none, lean back, pat your [FONT=Verdana, Arial, Helvetica, sans-serif]stomach, and say, "Oh you've got to be faster than that." [/FONT][/FONT][/FONT][/FONT][/FONT]
[FONT=Verdana, Arial, Helvetica, sans-serif][FONT=Verdana, Arial, Helvetica, sans-serif][FONT=Verdana, Arial, Helvetica, sans-serif][FONT=Verdana, Arial, Helvetica, sans-serif][FONT=Verdana, Arial, Helvetica, sans-serif][FONT=Verdana, Arial, Helvetica, sans-serif][FONT=Verdana, Arial, Helvetica, sans-serif]15) Put decaf in the coffeemaker for three weeks. Once [FONT=Verdana, Arial, Helvetica, sans-serif]everyone has withdrawn from caffeine addiction, switch to [FONT=Verdana, Arial, Helvetica, sans-serif]espresso. [/FONT][/FONT][/FONT]
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Discussion Starter · #7 ·
[FONT=Verdana, Arial, Helvetica, sans-serif]The brilliance of humanity...[/FONT]

[FONT=Verdana, Arial, Helvetica, sans-serif][FONT=Verdana, Arial, Helvetica, sans-serif]
A man and his wife arrived at an automobile dealership to pick uptheir car, but were told that the keys had been accidentally locked in it. They went to the service department and found a mechanic working feverishly to unlock the driver's side door. As they watched from the passenger's side, the guy instinctively tried the door handle and discovered it was open. "Hey," the man announced to the technician, "It's open!" [FONT=Verdana, Arial, Helvetica, sans-serif].
"I know," answered the young man. "I already got that side."
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The Sunday School teacher gave her class the homework assignment for next weeks class. Read Mark chapter 17 and make sure you take notes on anything you see that is peculiar. In class the following week, she asked who did the assignment? Four of the 12 students raised their hands confirming they did the assignment. The teacher asked the four of them to come forward and dismissed the rest of class stating there is no 17th Chapter in the book of Mark! The four of you have some explaining to do.

Can you imagine that? Liars in the church? What is the world coming to?
 

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Discussion Starter · #9 ·
[FONT=Verdana, Arial, Helvetica, sans-serif]The last word...[/FONT]

[FONT=Verdana, Arial, Helvetica, sans-serif][FONT=Verdana, Arial, Helvetica, sans-serif]
Two husbands, Bill and Doug, were discussing their married lives. Although happily married, they admitted that there were argument sometimes.
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Then Bill said, "I've made one great discovery. I now know how to always have the last word."
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"Wow!" said Doug, "How do you manage that?"
[FONT=Verdana, Arial, Helvetica, sans-serif] "It's easy," replied Bill. "My last words are always 'Yes, Dear.'"
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lollollollollollollollollollollollollollollollollollollollollollol

keep em' coming !!!!!!!!
 

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Discussion Starter · #11 ·
[FONT=Verdana, Arial, Helvetica, sans-serif]Smart kid...[/FONT]
[FONT=Verdana, Arial, Helvetica, sans-serif][FONT=Verdana, Arial, Helvetica, sans-serif]
Bill and Marla decided that the only way to pull off a Sunday afternoon quickie with their ten-year-old son in the apartment was to send him out on the balcony and tell him to report on all the neighborhood activities. [FONT=Verdana, Arial, Helvetica, sans-serif]
The boy began his commentary as his parents put their plan into operation. "There's a car being towed from the parking lot," he said. "An ambulance just drove by." A few moments passed. [FONT=Verdana, Arial, Helvetica, sans-serif]
"Looks like the Andersons have company," he called out. "Matt's riding a new bike, and the Coopers are having sex." [FONT=Verdana, Arial, Helvetica, sans-serif]
Mom and Dad shot up in bed. "How do you know that?" the startled father asked. [FONT=Verdana, Arial, Helvetica, sans-serif]"Their kid is standing out on the balcony too," his son replied.
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Yes dear....lollollol love that, great funnies keep them rollin...
 

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Jay was standing at the pearly gates before St. Peter. St. Peter opened one huge book after another while occasionally stopping to look at Jay. Finally after a long pause, St. Peter said it looks like you have not done much good in your life, but it also looks like you haven't done much bad either. I will tell you what, if you can tell me one story about something good you have done in your life I will let you in. Jay immediately recounts a time when he was driving down route 9, when he saw a crowd of about 50 bikers abusing some woman on the side of the road. I quickly brought my car to a halt and jumped out and got my tire iron out of the trunk and approached the leader of the group. This guy was massive and he had a chain that went from his nose ring to his ear ring and some additional scares on his face that were partially covered by his unkept beard. As I walked up to the leader, the gang surrounded me. I ripped the chain out of his nose and ear with one hand as I whopped him over the head with the tire iron with the other; and I turned to the gang and said, if you filthy scum don't want more of the same then I suggest you leave this woman alone and go on about your business. Immediately St. Peter said, wow that is an awesome story, when did this all happen? Jay said, about two minutes ago!
 

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3 old guys sitting in an old folks home, reminiscing about the old times when they were in much better health. Finally, one guy says:

"I just wish that one day I would wake up and be able to have a decent pee!"

Next old fellow says:

" I hear ya. I wish I could wake up every morning and take a satisfying poop for myself!"

Third guy says:

"Well I have to admit guys. EVERY morning at 6:30 sharp I take a long pee. And EVERY morning at 7:00 I have a massive poop. I just pray to Jesus that for once I would get out of bed before 8 o'clock!!!!!"doh

codfish
 

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Discussion Starter · #15 ·
One Wish...

A guy walking along the beach finds a bottle and picks it up. A genie pops out and says, "Thanks for letting me out. For your kindness I will grant you one wish."
The guys says, "I've always wanted to go to Hawaii, but I can't because I'm afraid to fly and ships make me deathly sick. My wish is for you to build a road from here to Hawaii."
The genie says, "I'm sorry, but I don't think I can do that. Just think of all the work involved. Think of the huge pilings we'd need to hold up that highway and how deep they would have to be to reach the bottom of the ocean. And think of all the cement that would be needed. Plus, since it's such a long span, there would have to be gas stations and rest stops along the way. No, that's just too much to ask. Impossible."
The guy says, "Well, there is one thing I've always wanted to know. I'd like to be able to understand women...what makes them laugh and cry...you know, what makes them tick."
The genie thinks a second, then asks, "You want two lanes or four?"
 

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Discussion Starter · #16 ·
A turkey farmer was always experimenting with breeding to perfect a better turkey. His family was fond of the leg portion for dinner and there were never enough legs for everyone. After many frustrating attempts, the farmer was relating the results of his efforts to his friends at the general store get together. "Well I finally did it! I bred a turkey that has 6 legs!"
They all asked the farmer how it tasted.
"I don't know" said the farmer. "I never could catch the darn thing!"
 

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God and St. Pete are teeing up on #1 at Heavenly Hills C.C. , a 430 yard par four that heads left about three quarters of the way down the fairway.
Pete has honors and he crushes a 280 yarder with a slight fade that plays into the dog leg perfectly. He steps away from the tee smiling and thinking to himself that today he just might be able to beat the old Man.
God steps up for his turn and gives a mighty swing.......the ball slices thirty yards off of the fairway and into a stand of trees , hits a thick branch and deflects straight towards the fairway..........where it lands squarely on a sprinkler head and bounces directly at the green , stopping some four or five yards past St. Peter's drive.
St. Pete cuts him a crusty look , but doesn't say a word.
They get to their second shots and Pete figures a stiff eight iron should do the trick........he swings and lofts the ball straight towards the pin. It lands , checks up and stops leaving a four foot putt for birdie.
God walks up to his ball , looks back and asks " What did you hit ? "
St. Pete tells him and he grabs his eight iron , addresses the ball and swings.
He grounds the club head the instant before impact and it opens the club face , sending the ball right towards the tee box on #2.......it has to be fifty yards off target.
It lands just past the tee box , where a squirrel sees it and thinking it is some kind of food , picks it up.
As the squirrel looks up , an eagle swoops down form the heavens and grabs it in it's talons , takes off and flies directly over the green. As they pass over the pin , the squirrel drops the ball.........it lands and bounces once before settling in the bottom of the cup.
God says " Mark me down for a two."
St. Pete looks at him , shaking his head and hollers " ARE YOU GOING TO MESS AROUND , OR ARE YOU GOING TO GOLF ?!?! "
 

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I heard a cute one the other day......

Just think, if the indians had brought the settlers a Donkey instead of a turkey for the first Thanksgiving...We'd all be getting a "Piece of ass" today instead of a turkey dinner....lollollol
 

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Discussion Starter · #19 ·
Sue get your mind out of the gutter!

Bob, a 70-year-old, extremely wealthy widower, shows up at
the Country Club with a breathtakingly beautiful and very sexy
25-year-old blonde-haired woman who knocks everyone's socks off with her
youthful sex appeal and charm and who hangs over Bob's arm and listens
intently to his every word. His buddies at the club are all aghast. At
the very first chance, they corner him and ask, 'Bob, how'd you get the
trophy girlfriend?' Bob replies, 'Girlfriend? She's my wife!' They
are knocked over, but continue to ask. 'So, how'd you persuade her to
marry you?' 'I lied about my age', Bob replies. 'What, did you tell her
you were only 50?' Bob smiles and says, 'No, I told her I was 90.'

http://www.ajokeaday.com/ChisteDelDia.asp#ixzz2D3u4PcCZ
[FONT=times new roman,helvetica]I Want to Buy That

A blonde goes into a nearby store and asks a clerk if she can buy the TV in the corner.

The clerk looks at her and says that he doesn't serve blondes, so she goes back home and dyes her hair black.

The next day she returns to the store and asks the same thing, and again, the clerk said he doesn't serve blondes.

Frustrated, the blonde goes home and dyes her hair yet again, to a shade of red.

Sure that a clerk would sell her the TV this time, she returns and asks a different clerk this time.

To her astonishment, this clerk also says that she doesn't serve blondes.

The blonde asks the clerk, "How in the world do you know I am a blonde?"

The clerk looks at her disgustedly and says,"That's not a TV -- it's a microwave!"[/FONT]



 

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Discussion Starter · #20 ·
How To Save Money!

Three engineers and three accountants are traveling by train to a conference. At the station, the three accountants each buy tickets and watch as the three engineers buy only a single ticket.
"How are three people going to travel on only one ticket?" asks an accountant.
"Watch and you'll see," answers an engineer.
They all board the train. The accountants take their respective seats but all three engineers cram into a restroom and close the door behind them. Shortly after the train has departed, the conductor comes around collecting tickets. He knocks on the restroom door and says, "Ticket, please."
The door opens just a crack and a single arm emerges with a ticket in hand. The conductor takes it and moves on.
The accountants saw this and agreed it was quite a clever idea. So after the conference, the accountants decide to copy the engineers on the return trip and save some money (being clever with money, and all that). When they get to the station, they buy a single ticket for the return trip. To their astonishment, the engineers don't buy a ticket at all.
"How are you going to travel without a ticket?" says one perplexed accountant.
"Watch and you'll see," answers an engineer.
When they board the train the three accountants cram into a restroom and the three engineers cram into another one nearby. The train departs. Shortly afterward, one of the engineers leaves his restroom and walks over to the restroom where the accountants are hiding. He knocks on the door and says, Ticket, please."
 
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