Big Block Dart Forums banner
21 - 40 of 64 Posts

·
Registered
Joined
·
4,105 Posts

·
Premium Member
Joined
·
1,927 Posts
Discussion Starter · #22 ·
I can not tell a lie...

A married man and his secretary were having a torrid affair. One afternoon they couldn't contain their passion, so they rushed over to her place where they spent the afternoon making passionate love. When they were finished, they fell asleep, not waking until 8 o'clock that night.
They got dressed quickly. Then the man asked his secretary to take his shoes outside and rub them on the lawn. Bewildered, she did as he asked, thinking him pretty weird.
The man finally got home and his wife met him at the door. Upset, she asked where he'd been. The man replied, "I can not tell a lie. My secretary and I are having an affair. Today we left work early, went to her place, spent the afternoon making love, and then fell asleep. That's why I'm late."
The wife looked at him, took notice of his shoes, and yelled, "I can see those are grass stains on your shoes. YOU LIAR! You've been playing golf again, haven't you?"
 

·
Registered
Joined
·
691 Posts
Jim decides to get a late nine holes in after work......he gets to the course and the course ranger asks him if he'd mind pairing up with another golfer.
It turns out to be a very attractive woman , so he does the math......... she will be slow , she won't hit the ball far.
But she is very easy on the eyes , so he says " sure ".
As it turns out , she is every bit as good as he is.
She observes all the proprieties of the game , she hits the ball well and they have a great time.
He asks her if she wouldn't mind doing it again the next day.
It turns into a two to three time a week event for them.
They have lively conversations , a lot of laughs and some pretty good golf.
After a couple weeks of that , they are stuck waiting for the group in front of them on a par three and she mentions that she would like to sneak into the bushes with him and play a solo on his flesh flute.
Now , this becomes a ritual on their two to three time a week golf outings. Get to the tee box on 17 , sneak into the bushes and finish the round with smiles on their faces.
This goes on for a couple months ,until one day she stops him on their way to their cars after the days fun.
She says " I have something I need to tell you ....... I haven't been completely honest with you."
He says " No problems.....I thought you might be married , but what the hell.....I'm not gonna tell my wife either. "
She says " No , it's not that .......... it's..........it's .......well , I have to tell you. I am a man. I am a transvestite and I love dressing like a woman. I wanted to tell you , but we were getting along so well "
Jim is looking like he just got gut punched......a puzzled and painful stare into no where.
She tells him " Please , don't be like that ..... we were just having so much fun and I didn't want it to end.
Jim says " No , it's not that.........it's , well......I just can't believe I let you hit off the ladies tees. " lol
 

·
Premium Member
Joined
·
1,927 Posts
Discussion Starter · #24 ·
Actual Employee Evaluations...


The following were taken from actual employee evaluations:
* Since my last report, this employee has reached rock bottom and shows signs of starting to dig.
* His men would follow him anywhere, but only out of morbid curiosity.
* I would not allow this man to breed.
* This associate is really not so much of a has-been, but more of a definitely won't be.
* Works well when under constant supervision and cornered like a rat in a trap.
* When he opens his mouth, it seems that this is only to change whichever foot was previously in there.
* He would be out of his depth in a parking lot puddle.
* This man has delusions of adequacy.
* He sets low personal standards and consistently fails to achieve them.
* This employee should go far -- the sooner he starts, the better.
* This employee is depriving a village somewhere of an idiot.
* Got into the gene pool while the lifeguard wasn't looking.
* Got a full six-pack, but is missing the plastic thingy that holds it together.
* A gross ignoramus -- 144 times worse than an ordinary ignoramus.
* A photographic memory but with the lens cover glued on.
* Bright as Alaska in December.
* Donated his brain to science before he was quite finished using it.
* Fell out of his family tree.
* The gates are down, the lights are flashing, but the train isn’t coming.
* This man has two brains; one is lost and the other is out looking for it.
* If brains were taxed, he would get a rebate.
* Any dumber and he would have to be watered twice a week.
* If you gave him a penny for his thoughts, you would get change back.
* If you stand close enough to him, you can hear the ocean.
* It's hard to believe that he beat out 1,000,000 other sperm.
* Some drink from the fountain of knowledge, he gargled.
* Was left on the Tilt-A-Whirl a bit too long as a baby.
 

·
Registered
Joined
·
574 Posts
Actual Employee Evaluations...


The following were taken from actual employee evaluations:
* Since my last report, this employee has reached rock bottom and shows signs of starting to dig.
* His men would follow him anywhere, but only out of morbid curiosity.
* I would not allow this man to breed.
* This associate is really not so much of a has-been, but more of a definitely won't be.
* Works well when under constant supervision and cornered like a rat in a trap.
* When he opens his mouth, it seems that this is only to change whichever foot was previously in there.
* He would be out of his depth in a parking lot puddle.
* This man has delusions of adequacy.
* He sets low personal standards and consistently fails to achieve them.
* This employee should go far -- the sooner he starts, the better.
* This employee is depriving a village somewhere of an idiot.
* Got into the gene pool while the lifeguard wasn't looking.
* Got a full six-pack, but is missing the plastic thingy that holds it together.
* A gross ignoramus -- 144 times worse than an ordinary ignoramus.
* A photographic memory but with the lens cover glued on.
* Bright as Alaska in December.
* Donated his brain to science before he was quite finished using it.
* Fell out of his family tree.
* The gates are down, the lights are flashing, but the train isn’t coming.
* This man has two brains; one is lost and the other is out looking for it.
* If brains were taxed, he would get a rebate.
* Any dumber and he would have to be watered twice a week.
* If you gave him a penny for his thoughts, you would get change back.
* If you stand close enough to him, you can hear the ocean.
* It's hard to believe that he beat out 1,000,000 other sperm.
* Some drink from the fountain of knowledge, he gargled.
* Was left on the Tilt-A-Whirl a bit too long as a baby.
Great ones, Thank You. Made me laugh.
 

·
Premium Member
Joined
·
1,927 Posts
Discussion Starter · #26 ·
The confession...

Henry goes to confession and says, "Bless me Father, for I have sinned. Last night I was with seven different women."
The priest says, "Take seven lemons, squeeze them into a glass and drink the juice without pausing."
"Will that cleanse me of my sins, Father?"
"No," replies the priest. "But it'll wipe that silly grin off your face."
 

·
Registered
Joined
·
593 Posts
The confession...


Henry goes to confession and says, "Bless me Father, for I have sinned. Last night I was with seven different women."
The priest says, "Take seven lemons, squeeze them into a glass and drink the juice without pausing."
"Will that cleanse me of my sins, Father?"
"No," replies the priest. "But it'll wipe that silly grin off your face."
lollollollollollollol
 

·
Premium Member
Joined
·
1,927 Posts
Discussion Starter · #28 ·
The Dead Dog

A lady awoke one morning and discovered her dog was not moving. She called her vet who asked her to bring the dog in. After a brief examination, the vet pronounced the dog dead.
"Are you sure", the distraught woman asked? "He was a great family pet. Isn't there anything else you can do?"
The vet paused for a moment and said, "There is one more thing we can do." He left the room for a moment and came back carrying a large cage with a cat in it. The vet opened the cage door and the cat walked over to the dog. The cat sniffed the dog from head to toe and walked back to the cage.
"Well, that confirms it", the vet announced, "your dog is dead."
Satisfied that the vet had done everything he possibly could, the woman sighed, "How much do I owe you?"
"That will be $1,330", the vet replied.
"I don't believe it", screamed the woman! "What did you do that cost $1,330????"
"Well", the vet replied, "it's $30 for the office visit and $1,300 for the CAT scan."
 

·
Premium Member
Joined
·
1,927 Posts
Discussion Starter · #29 ·
[FONT=Verdana, Arial]One night, a police officer was stalking out a particularly rowdy bar for possible violations of the driving under the influence laws. At closing time, he saw a fellow stumble out of the bar, trip on the curb, and try his keys on five different cars before he found his. Then, sat in the front seat fumbling around with his keys for several minutes. Everyone left the bar and drove off. Finally, he started his engine and began to pull away.

The police officer was waiting for him. He stopped the driver, read him his rights and administered the Breathalyzer test. The results showed a reading of 0.0. The puzzled officer demanded to know how that could be. The driver replied, "Tonight, I'm the Designated Decoy."
[/FONT]
 

·
Premium Member
Joined
·
1,927 Posts
Discussion Starter · #30 ·
A young ventriloquist is touring the clubs and one night he's doing a show in a small town in Arkansas. With his dummy on his knee, he starts going through his usual dumb blonde jokes when a blonde in the 4th row stands on her chair and starts shouting: "I've heard enough of your stupid blonde jokes. What makes you think you can stereotype women that way? What does the color of a person's hair have to do with her worth as a human being? It's guys like you who keep women like me from being respected at work and in the community and from reaching our full potential as a person. Because you and your kind continue to perpetuate discrimination against not only blondes, but women in general, and all in the name of humor!" The embarrassed ventriloquist begins to apologize, and the blonde yells, "You stay out of this, mister! I'm talking to that midget on your knee."
 

·
Premium Member
Joined
·
1,927 Posts
Discussion Starter · #31 ·
January - Took new scarf back to store because it was too tight.

February - Fired from pharmacy job for failing to print labels....."duh".....bottles won't fit in typewriter!!!

March - Got excited.....finished jigsaw puzzle in 6 months.....box said "2-4 years!"

April - Trapped on escalator for hours.....power went out!!!

May - Tried to make Kool-Aid.....8 cups of water won't fit into those little packets!!!

June - Tried to go water skiing.....couldn't find a lake with a slope.

July - Lost breast stroke swimming competition.....learned later, other swimmers cheated, they used their arms!!!

August - Got locked out of car in rain storm.....car swamped, because top was down.

September - The capital of California is "C".....isn't it???

October - Hate M & M's.....they are so hard to peel.

November - Baked turkey for 4 1/2 days.....instructions said 1 hour per pound and I weigh 108!!!

December - Couldn't call 911....."duh".....there's no "eleven" button on the phone!!!
 

·
Premium Member
Joined
·
1,927 Posts
Discussion Starter · #32 ·
A young blonde was on vacation in the depths of Louisiana.

She wanted a pair of genuine alligator shoes in the worst way, but was very reluctant to pay the high prices the local vendors were asking.

After becoming very frustrated with the "no haggle" attitude of one of the shopkeepers, the blonde shouted, "Maybe I'll just go out and catch my own alligator so I can get a pair of shoes at a reasonable price!"

The shopkeeper said, "By all means, be my guest. Maybe you'll luck out and catch yourself a big one!"

Determined, the blonde turned and headed for the swamps, set on catching herself an alligator.

Later in the day, the shopkeeper was driving home, when he spotted the young woman standing waist deep in the water, shotgun in hand.

Just then, he saw a huge 9-foot alligator swimming quickly toward her. She took aim, killed the creature, and with a great deal of effort hauled it on to the swamp bank.

Lying nearby were several more of the dead creatures. The shopkeeper watched in amazement.

Just then the blonde flipped the alligator on its back. Frustrated, she shouts out, "Damn it, this one isn't wearing any shoes either!"
 

·
Premium Member
Joined
·
1,927 Posts
Discussion Starter · #33 ·
An airline captain was breaking in a new blonde stewardess. The route they were flying had a layover in another city. Upon their arrival, the captain showed the stewardess the best place for airline personnel to eat, shop and stay overnight.

The next morning, as the pilot was preparing the crew for the day's route, he noticed the new stewardess was missing. He knew which room she was in at the hotel and called her up wondering what happened. She answered the phone, crying, and said she couldn't get out of her room. "You can't get out of your room?" the captain asked, "Why not?"

The stewardess replied: "There are only three doors in here," she sobbed, "one is the bathroom, one is the closet, and one has a sign on it that says 'Do Not Disturb'!"
 

·
Premium Member
Joined
·
1,927 Posts
Discussion Starter · #34 ·


A farm boy accidentally overturned his wagonload of corn. The farmer who lived nearby heard the noise and yelled over to the boy, "Hey Willis, forget your troubles. Come in and visit with us. I'll help you get the wagon up later." "That's mighty nice of you," Willis answered, "but I don't think Pa would like me to." [FONT=Verdana, Arial, Helvetica, sans-serif]
"Aw come on boy," the farmer insisted. [FONT=Verdana, Arial, Helvetica, sans-serif]
"Well okay," the boy finally agreed, and added, "but Pa won't like it." [FONT=Verdana, Arial, Helvetica, sans-serif]
After a hearty dinner, Willis thanked his host. "I feel a lot better now, but I know Pa is going to be real upset." [FONT=Verdana, Arial, Helvetica, sans-serif]
"Don't be foolish!" the neighbor said with a smile. "By the way, where is he?" [FONT=Verdana, Arial, Helvetica, sans-serif]"Under the wagon."
[/FONT]
[/FONT]
[/FONT]
[/FONT]
[/FONT]
 

·
Premium Member
Joined
·
1,927 Posts
Discussion Starter · #35 ·


A woman found out that her husband was cheating on her. The woman and her husband got a divorce and the woman went on with her life hating her ex-husband. O ne day she found a beautiful lamp lying on the sidewalk. She picked it up and rubbed it a little bit. Suddenly, a genie popped out of the lamp! The genie said that it would grant her 3 wishes and that with every wish her husband it get the same thing only double! [FONT=Verdana, Arial, Helvetica, sans-serif]
So, the woman thinks of a first wish... [FONT=Verdana, Arial, Helvetica, sans-serif]
"I want to be rich!!!" [FONT=Verdana, Arial, Helvetica, sans-serif]
So, the woman became rich, and the husband became twice as rich! [FONT=Verdana, Arial, Helvetica, sans-serif]
The woman then thought of a second wish... [FONT=Verdana, Arial, Helvetica, sans-serif]
"I want to be beautiful!!" [FONT=Verdana, Arial, Helvetica, sans-serif]
So, the woman became beautiful, and the husband became twice as beautiful. [FONT=Verdana, Arial, Helvetica, sans-serif]
"Okay", the genie says. "This is your last wish so be careful what you wish for!" [FONT=Verdana, Arial, Helvetica, sans-serif]
The woman thought real hard and finally came to a decision.... [FONT=Verdana, Arial, Helvetica, sans-serif]"I Want You To Scare me HALF To Death!!"
[/FONT]
[/FONT]
[/FONT]
[/FONT]
[/FONT]
[/FONT]
[/FONT]
[/FONT]
[/FONT]
 

·
Registered
Joined
·
574 Posts


A woman found out that her husband was cheating on her. The woman and her husband got a divorce and the woman went on with her life hating her ex-husband. O ne day she found a beautiful lamp lying on the sidewalk. She picked it up and rubbed it a little bit. Suddenly, a genie popped out of the lamp! The genie said that it would grant her 3 wishes and that with every wish her husband it get the same thing only double! [FONT=Verdana, Arial, Helvetica, sans-serif]
So, the woman thinks of a first wish... [FONT=Verdana, Arial, Helvetica, sans-serif]
"I want to be rich!!!" [FONT=Verdana, Arial, Helvetica, sans-serif]
So, the woman became rich, and the husband became twice as rich! [FONT=Verdana, Arial, Helvetica, sans-serif]
The woman then thought of a second wish... [FONT=Verdana, Arial, Helvetica, sans-serif]
"I want to be beautiful!!" [FONT=Verdana, Arial, Helvetica, sans-serif]
So, the woman became beautiful, and the husband became twice as beautiful. [FONT=Verdana, Arial, Helvetica, sans-serif]
"Okay", the genie says. "This is your last wish so be careful what you wish for!" [FONT=Verdana, Arial, Helvetica, sans-serif]
The woman thought real hard and finally came to a decision.... [FONT=Verdana, Arial, Helvetica, sans-serif]"I Want You To Scare me HALF To Death!!"
[/FONT]
[/FONT]
[/FONT]
[/FONT]
[/FONT]
[/FONT]
[/FONT]
[/FONT]
[/FONT]
LOL Where's my lamp!
 

·
Premium Member
Joined
·
1,927 Posts
Discussion Starter · #37 ·
A guy walks into a bar and demands to know "Who's the strongest in here?"

The toughest guy looks at him and says "I am the strongest around here!"

The other guy politely asks "Can you help me push my car to the gas station?"
 

·
Premium Member
Joined
·
1,927 Posts
Discussion Starter · #38 ·
I went to a couple of car dealerships last week. At first I stopped at was Kia. Well nothing caught my eye, but the price was right.

Then I went to a Chevy dealer. I didn't really find anything I liked, but every car had a pair of shoes in the trunk.

At last I went to the Dodge dealer. Well I see one that I like. The dealer does the once over with me, then he pops the trunk. Disapointed, I looked at the dealer and said: "Well, theres something missing."

The dealer puzzled asks: "What?"

I said: "At the Chevy dealership I checked out, they had a new pair of shoes in the trunk of every car!"

Smiling the dealer says: "That's so they can walk home!"
 

·
Registered
Joined
·
447 Posts
A horse walks into a bar and the bartender askes ( Why the long face? )
Sorry , I couldn't help myself.
 

·
Premium Member
Joined
·
1,927 Posts
Discussion Starter · #40 ·
doh)(/*
 
21 - 40 of 64 Posts
Top