A not-too-bright but beautiful blonde was driving home one night when she was caught in a terrible storm. The hailstones were as big as golf balls, and her car was dented badly.
Next day at the auto shop, a repairman decided to have a little fun at her expense. "To fix the dents in the body," he said, "drive home, park the car, and when the tailpipe is cool, get down on your knees and blow really hard into the tailpipe, and the dents will pop out.
Later, a girlfriend of the blonde is driving by and sees her friend on her knees, blowing hard into the tailpipe. She asks what's going on and is told the story. The girlfriend laughs. "Well, duhhh! You need to roll up the windows first, silly!
and one more I missed yesterday
A couple of young tourists are pulled over by a highway patrolman. The officer walks up, asks for the driver's license and registration, and when he doesn't get it quickly enough, whacks the driver in the head. "That's for not having your driver's license ready," he snaps. "I ain't got all day." After he issues the driver a ticket, the patrolman walks around to the other side of the car and whacks the passenger in the head.
"Owwww!" hollers the passenger. "What'd you do that for?"
"That's to make your dream come true," replied the cop. "I know that when you'd gotten a half-mile down the road, you were gonna say to your friend here, 'Wish he'd tried that with me!'"
"Oh, yes," replied the Israeli farmer wistfully, "I used to have a car like that."
A guy driving through the countryside comes upon a weird sign advertising a red '68 Corvette that runs on Vaseline. The farmer who owns it tells him to take it for a test drive, "but don't go too far 'cause it's low on Vaseline." Off the guy goes, and it roars up to 100 mph and runs perfectly. But a short time later, it sputters and fails.
Meanwhile, at a nearby farmhouse, a family is just finishing dinner. The wife is proud of the meal she's prepared and suggests that she should not have to do the dishes. The older of two daughters says she has a date and cannot do the dishes. The younger daughter says she can't do them because she has homework. The father says he is the man of the house and should not have to do dishes. He suggests a solution. "Let's all go into the living room and sit down, and the first person who says a word has to do the dishes."
Meanwhile, the driver makes his way to the farmhouse, knocks, and gets no reply. He sees the family sitting stone-faced in the living room and knocks again. No response. So he walks in and says, "I knocked, but no one answered. What's the deal?" Not a word from the family. The man notices leftovers on the table and asks if he might eat them. Not a word, so the man eats his fill. "May I have a beer?" he asks, and again gets no response, so he helps himself to a half-dozen of them.
Maybe it's his imagination, but he notices the older daughter giving him the eye. "I'd like to make love to your daughter," he says to the farmer. Taking the lack of response as a yes, they go off together. On his return, he has a few more beers. "How about the other daughter?" he asks, and off they go. Soon he's proposing the same for the farmer's wife, and getting no response, he has his way again.
It's getting dark, and the man realizes he must get going. He returns once more to the living room and asks the family if they have any Vaseline.
"All right, all right," says the farmer, "I'll do the damn dishes."
After a long hard day of work in an unfamiliar town , a man wants a cold beer. He spots a bar , goes in and notices it's a gay bar. Being straight but real thirsty he decides to at least get one beer anyways. He asks the bartender for a beer and is told all his patrons have to pick a nic name best decribing his penis.. He asks the guy next to him what his name is? He replies Chevy (Like a Rock!) . Another chimes in I'm Tiny. After a minute he tells the Bartender his Nicname is Secret and is then served a beer. The bartender asks why Secret? The man replies ( Strong enough for a man, but made for a woman.)
A young boy goes & asks his father the difference between potentially & realistically; dad replies go ask your mother if she would sleep w/ brad pitt for a million dollars, then go ask the same of your sister, & then your brother, come back, & tell me what you learn from that......so, the boy went & asked his mother, mother replies, of course i would, we could use that money to fix up the house, send you kids to college....so then the boy goes to the sister, & asks the question, Oh my gawd, she replies, in a heartbeat, are you nuts ? on to the brother, & asks the question, of course was his reply, do you know what that money could buy us ?........the boy ponders the answers he got for a few days, & then goes back to his father, dad asks, did you find out the difference ? boy replies, yes i did, Potentially......you & i are sitting on 3 million dollars.......Realistically......we just live w/ 2 hookers & 1 queer
Everyday a man comes home from working the night shift. His wife would leave him a ham sndwich and a note reminding him to feed the dog . One day while scooping the dog food out of the can he taste it and decide it's delicious. He feeds the sandwich to the dog and eats the dog food. He tells his wife so she goes to the store and buys double the dog food and the cashier asks if she got another dog. She tells him about her husband. Oh no says the cashier that will kill him. Two weeks later she's back to buying for 1 dog. She tells the cashier her husband passed away. I'm so sorry says the cashier , I told you the dog food would kill him. Oh no she says . A truck ran him over while he was licking his balls in the street.
[FONT=Verdana, Arial, Helvetica, sans-serif]******* Medical Terms[/FONT]
[FONT=Verdana, Arial, Helvetica, sans-serif]Benign - What you be, after you be eight.
Artery - The study of paintings
Bacteria - Back door to cafeteria
Barium - what doctors do when patients die
Cesarean section - a neighborhood in Rome
Cat scan - searching for kitty
Cauterize - made eye contact with her
Colic - a sheep dog
coma- a punctuation mark
D & C - Where Washington is
Dilate - to live long
Enema - Not a friend
Fester - quicker than someone else
Fibula - a small lie
Genital - a non-Jewish person
GI series - world series of military baseball
Hangnail - what you hang your coat on
Impotent - distinguished, well-known
Labor pain - getting hurt at work
medical staff - a doctor's cane
Morbid - a higher offer
Nitrates - cheaper than day rates
Node - I knew it
Outpatient - a person who has fainted
Pap Smear - A fatherhood test
Pelvis - second cousin to Elvis
Post Operative - a letter carrier
Recovery room - place to do upholstery
Rectum - darn near killed him
Secretion - hiding something
Seizure - a Roman emperor
Tablet - a small table
Terminal Illness - getting sick at the airport
Tumor - one plus one more
Urine - opposite of you're out
Varicose - nearby / close by[/FONT]
I wish to apply for an operation to make me sterile. My reasons are numerous and after being married for seven years, and having a child each year, I have come to the conclusion that contraceptives are absolutely useless.
After getting married I was told to use the "Rhythm Method." Whilst trying the samba and the tango my wife fell pregnant, and I ruptured myself doing the Cha-cha.
My doctor then suggested we use the safe period. At this time we were living with the in-laws and we had to wait three weeks for a safe period, when the house was empty. Needless to say this didn't work.
A lady of several years experience informed us that if we made love while breast-feeding we would be alright. It's hardly tastes like Coors, but I finished up with clear skin, silky hair and another child on the way.
Another old wives tale was if my wife jumped up and down after sex this would prevent pregnancy. After breast-feeding (from earlier), if my wife jumped up and down she would have ended up with two black eyes, and even knocked herself unconscious.
I asked a chemist about the condom. He demonstrated how easy it was to use so I bought a packet. My wife fell pregnant again, which doesn't surprise me, as I fail to see how a Durex stretched over the thumb can prevent a baby.
My wife was then supplied with the coil and after many unsuccessful attempts to fit it we realized that we had got a left-handed thread and my wife is definitely a right-handed screw.
The Dutch cap came next. We were very hopeful of this as it did not interfere with our sex life at all. But alas...it did give my wife a severe headache. We were given the largest size, but it was still too tight across her forehead.
Finally we tried the pill. At first it kept falling out, then we realised we were doing it wrong. My wife started then to put it between her knees, thus preventing me from getting anywhere near her. This did work for a while until the night she forgot it....another child resulted.
You must appreciate my problem: if this operation is unsuccessful I shall have to revert to oral sex. Although I don't mind just talking about it, it could never be the same as the real thing.
dear santa, how are you, & mrs. clause ? i hope everyone from the reindeer to the elves are fine. i have been a very good boy this year. i would like an X- BOX 360, with call of duty IV & an i-phone 4 Christmas. i hope you remember on Christmas day. Merry Christmas timmy......... dear timmy, thank you for your letter, mrs. clause, the reindeer, the elves, are all fine & thank you for asking about them. Santa is a little worried all the time you spend playing video games & texting. Santa don't want you to get fat, & since you have been a good boy, i think i'll bring you something you can go outside & play with. merry Christmas. Santa........ Mr. clause, since i have fulfilled the "naughty vs nice" contract, set by you, i might add, i feel confident that you can see your way clear to giving me what i have asked for, i certainly wouldn't want to turn this joyous season into 1 of litigation. also, don't you think that a jibe at my weight by an overweight man that goes out once a year is a bit trite ? respectfully, timmy jones ..........mr. jones, while i have acknowledged you have met the "nice" criteria, need i remind you, that your list is a request, & in no way is it a guarantee of services provided. should you wish to pursue legal action, well, that is your right. please know, however, that my lawyers have been on retainer ever since the Burgermeister Meisterburger incident, & will be happy to take you on in open court. additionally, the exercise i alluded to will not only improve your health, but also improve your social skills, & potentially help clear up a complexion that looks like the bottom of a burger king fry bin most days. very truly yours, s claus.........NOW LOOK HERE FAT MAN, i told you what i want,& i expect you to bring it. i was attempting to be polite, but you brought my looks & friends into it, now you be disrespecting me. i'm about to tweet my boys & we are gonna be waiting for your fat ass & i'm gonna take my console, my game, my phone, & whatever else i want. WHATEVER I WANT, MAN. T-BONE.........listen pizza face, seriously...? do you think a dude that breaks into every house in the world in 1 night & never gets caught sweats a skinny g-banger wannabe? "he sees you when you are sleeping, he knows when your awake" sound familiar, genius ? you know what kind of resourses i have @ my disposal. i got your shit wired, jack. i go all around thew world & see ways to hurt people that if i described them right now, you'd throw up your totino's pizza rolls all over the carpet of your mom's basement. YOU ARE NOT GETTING what you asked for, but i'm stopping by your crib to stomp a mud hole in your ass, & then walk it dry. chew on that, Petunia S Clizzzy....................Dear Santa, please bring me whatever you see fit to bring me. I'm sure i'll appreciate anything. timmy...........Timmy, that's what i thought you little bastard. Santa.
Another one........Two women are driving down a rural Wisconsin road when the driver looks in the mirror and sees flashing red lights approaching.
She pulls over and the squad car pulls up behind them. The officer comes up to the driver's side of the car and asks to see her license.
He looks at it and asks " Yablonski ? I take it you're of Polish extraction ? "
She replies " Why yes......yes I am "
He then asks the passenger if he can see some identification.
She hands him her license and he looks at it , asking " Miss Kapiszka , would it be fair to assume you are also of Polish descent ? "
She tells him " Yes officer , I certainly am ".
He tells both of them " would you please wait here for a moment while I run these " and heads back to his squad car.
A couple minutes later , the driver looks in her side view mirror and sees the policeman walking towards the car with his pants pulled down around his ankles.........she looks over at her friend and says " Oh oh , I think we're going to get the breathalyser test again. "
an old married couple no sooner hit the pillows when the old man passes gas & says, seven points. his wife rolls over & says what in the world was that ? the old man replied, it's fart football. a few minutes later his wife lets 1 go & says, touchdown, tie score.... after about 5 minutes, he lets another go & says, aha. i'm ahead 14 to 7 not to be outdone she rips out another 1 & says, touchdown, tie score. 5 seconds go by & she lets out a little squeaker & says, field goal, i lead 17 to 14.
now the pressure is on the old man. he refuses to be beaten by a woman, so he strains real hard. since defeat is totally unacceptable, he gives it everything he's got, & accidently messes the bed.............. the wife says, WHAT THE HELL was THAT? the old man replied................................... half time, switch sides.
True story! A new tech at a CPD dealership was a bigtime joker. On about his 4th day there, he comes to the parts counter and says "I need a vaccum switch for a 1947 Henway" (standard response is "whats a henway ?" answer "oh about 4 or 5 pounds!) The old parts guy took his work order,clicked his pen and said without cracking a smile."Ok is that for a cock or doodle do model?"
How do you know when you're staying in a Arkansas hotel?
When you call the front desk and say, "I gotta leak in my sink,"
and the clerk replies, "Go ahead."
How can you tell if a Louisiana ******* is married?
There's dried tobacco juice on both sides of his pickup truck.
Did you hear that they have raised the minimum drinking age
in Oklahoma to 32?
It seems they want to keep alcohol out of the high schools.
A guy from Alabama passed away and left his entire estate to his
beloved widow, ut she can't touch it 'til she's 14.
What do they call reruns of "Hee Haw" in Alabama?
A Georgia state trooper pulls over a pickup on I-75 and says to
the driver, "Got any I.D.?" and the driver replies "Bout wut?"
Did you hear about the $3 million Arkansas State Lottery?
The winner gets $3.00 a year for a million years.
The governor's mansion in Alabama burned down!
Yep. Pert' near took out the whole trailer park.
The library was a total loss, too.
Both books -- poof! -- up in flames
and he hadn't even finished coloring one of them.
A new law was recently passed in Mississippi:
When a couple gets divorced, they are STILL cousins.
40. Oh I just couldn't, she's only sixteen.
39. I'll take Shakespeare for 1000, Alex.
38. Duct tape won't fix that.
37. Honey, I think we should sell the pickup and buy a family sedan.
36. Come to think of it, I'll have a Heineken.
35. We don't keep firearms in this house.
34. Has anybody seen the sideburns trimmer?
33. You can't feed that to the dog.
32. I thought Graceland was tacky.
31. No kids in the back of the pickup, it's just not safe.
30. Wrestling's fake.
29. Honey, did you mail that donation to Greenpeace?
28. We're vegetarians.
27. Do you think my gut is too big?
26. I'll have grapefruit and grapes instead of biscuits and gravy.
25. Honey, we don't need another dog.
24. Who gives a damn who won the Civil War?
23. Give me the small bag of pork rinds.
22. Too many deer heads detract from the decor.
21. Spittin' is such a nasty habit.
20. I just couldn't find a thing at Walmart today.
19. Trim the fat off that steak.
18. Cappuccino tastes better than espresso.
17. The tires on that truck are too big.
16. I'll have the arugula and radicchio salad.
15. I've got it all on the C: drive.
14. Unsweetened tea tastes better.
13. Would you like your fish poached or broiled?
12. My fiancee, Bobbie Jo, is registered at Tiffany's.
11. I've got two cases of Zima for the Super Bowl.
10. Little Debbie snack cakes have too many fat grams.
8. She's too young to be wearing a bikini.
7. Does the salad bar have bean sprouts?
6. Hey, here's an episode of "Hee Haw" that we haven't seen.
5. I don't have a favorite college team.
4. Be sure to bring my salad dressing on the side.
3. You All.
2. Those shorts ought to be a little longer, Darla.
1. Nope, no more for me. I'm drivin tonight.
You know you're from Canada when...
- You only know three spices - salt, pepper and ketchup.
- You design your Halloween costume to fit over a snowsuit.
- The mosquitoes have landing lights.
- You have more miles on your snowblower than your car.
- You have 10 favourite recipes for bottled moose.
- Canadian Tire on any Saturday is busier than the toy stores at Christmas.
- You live in a house that has no front step, yet the door is one meter above the ground.
- You've taken your kids trick-or-treating in a blizzard.
- Driving is better in the winter because the potholes are filled in with snow.
- You think sexy lingerie is tube-socks and a flannel nightie with only 8 buttons.
- You owe more money on your snowmobile than your car.
- The local paper covers national and international headlines on 1/4 page, but requires 6 pages for local softball scores.
- At least twice a year, the kitchen doubles as a meat processing plant.
- The most effective mosquito repellent is a shotgun.
- Your snowblower gets stuck on the roof.
- You think the start of salmon fishing season is a national holiday.
- You frequently clean grease off your barbeque so the bears won't prowl on your deck.
- You know which leaves make good toilet paper. v
- You find -40C a little nippy.
- The trunk of your car doubles as a deep freeze.
- You can play road hockey on skates.
- You know 4 seasons - Winter, Still Winter, almost Winter and Construction.
- The municipality buys a Zamboni before a bus.
- You actually get these jokes and forward them to all your Canadian friends.
An American, a Scot, and a Canadian were in a terrible car accident. They were all brought to the same emergency room, but all three of them died before they arrived.
Just as they were about to put the toe tag on the American, he stirred and opened his eyes. Astonished, the doctors and nurses present asked him what happened.
"Well," said the American, "I remember the crash, and then there was a beautiful light, and then the Canadian and the Scot and I were standing at the gates of heaven. St. Peter approached us and said that we were all too young to die, and said that for a donation of $50, we could return to earth. So of course I pulled out my wallet and gave him the $50, and the next thing I knew I was back here."
"That's amazing!" said the one of the doctors. "But what happened to the other two?"
"Last I saw them," replied the American, "the Scot was haggling over the price, and the Canadian was waiting for the government to pay his."
The snow plow driver looks in his rear view mirrow and sees a pretty young blonde following him, "a little close, but we're going slow", he thinks. A bit later he glances back and she's still there. "Wow that's odd" he thinks. About 6 hrs later he looks and , yep, she's still there. Thinking something might be wrong he stops and goes back and asks, "Can I help, is there anything wrong?" "Oh, no" she replies. "Thanks for asking. My dad told me that if it ever starts to snow hard just get behind the snow plow and you'll be ok. So, thanks again for asking, and I'll be fine."
"Well, OK", said the driver, "But as soon as I'm done here at the Mall, I'm headin across the street to K-Mart. That should take about 2 hrs, then I'm taking the truck back to the garage"
[FONT=Verdana, Arial, Helvetica, sans-serif]The Boss and the wife...[/FONT]
[FONT=Verdana, Arial, Helvetica, sans-serif][FONT=Verdana, Arial, Helvetica, sans-serif]
A guy leaves the bar, hoping he can get home early enough not to upset his wife for drinking after work. He gets home and finds his boss in bed with his wife. [FONT=Verdana, Arial, Helvetica, sans-serif]
Later, back at the bar, the guy tells the bartender the story, [FONT=Verdana, Arial, Helvetica, sans-serif]
"Wow, that's awful, what did you do?" [FONT=Verdana, Arial, Helvetica, sans-serif]"Well, I carefully snuck back out the door, and hitailed it back here! Shoot, they we're just getting started, so I figure, I got time for a couple more beers." [/FONT][/FONT][/FONT][/FONT][/FONT]